Death of a Loved One – The Personal Emotional Aftermath

            There are many experts who have written about the emotional effects of death.  One of the most famous authors on the topic is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.  Her book “On Death and Dying” lists the five stages of grief which include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  Her book is written with the terminal patient in mind.  However, many people believe that those who are left behind go through these stages as well.  Some believe that emotional healing doesn’t begin until those stages have been worked through.  Others believe that a person must go through each of these in order.  This is simply untrue.

Grief Work is the time when you have to face the reality of your new situation.  It is considered the time after those five stages may or may not have been passed through, which may happen to coincide with people thinking that you should be ok now.  Friends, family, and co-workers don’t ask you how you are doing or if you are ok anymore.  They figure that all is back to normal.  They do not understand that every day is scary or that you are still trying to figure out how to take care of that which the one who is gone always took care of.

Grief work has been described in the acronym TEAR.  T – To accept the reality of loss, E – Experiencing the pain of loss, A – Adjusting to your environment without that which was lost, and R – Reinvesting in the new reality.  Some folks want to fly through these on a straight line.  They see a goal of normalcy and race to it.  When they fall flat, it takes them by surprise, particularly when there are good things happening on the fringe.  The cold truth is that when normalcy is ripped from you, and it was comfortable, change can be tough.  Even if there was a long illness in between.  Suddenly you no longer have to take care of that person.  Now what do you do with your time?  Who do you share your innermost thoughts with?  Do you go back to that person’s favorite restaurant?  Do you keep those deathbed promises?

            Losing a spouse is quite different than losing a child or sibling.  Losing a parent or grandparent can be easier if that person has had a full, long life rather than her being taken at forty or fifty.  Death from a long illness might be easier to accept due to the relief that may come rather than sudden death due to violence or an accident.  Each of these scenarios will impact the ability of survivors to cope.  The age, sex, and life experiences of the survivor are big factors during this time as well.

            The one standard that must be addressed is that no matter how painful it is, in order to heal, it is crucial to allow yourself to feel your grief.  If it is overwhelming, and it will be at times, seek counseling.  You are not weak.  You are not abnormal.  Elder law attorneys should be able to refer you to a few grief counselors.  Find one that you feel comfortable with.  Take care of yourself.  Eat right.  Work out.  Laugh.  Love.  Remember the good times.  Move the empty chair.  You will find your inner strength and you will feel safe again.  The numbness, the confusion, the forgetfulness, and the disorganization will fade and your “normal” will creep back in if you let it. 

            I am convinced that the deeper the hurt and sadness after a loss, the deeper the love was.  Feel blessed that you loved so deeply that you hurt that bad from your loss.  Not everyone has that.